Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Disagree With Me - I Double-Dog Dare You!

(Originally posted to the blog on November 16, 2006. But not a thing's changed...)

Today, your mission--along with the obligatory, "should you choose to accept it"--is to disagree with me. I can't believe we're all on the same page on everything. There surely must be something I like that you don't or I don't like that you do or, if we both like or dislike something, you've got to have more noble reasons than I do for liking or disliking it, because I have the morals of a trained chimp. Or maybe a panda. You get the point.

Let's see if we can't stir shit up, okay? I'll start slow and obvious...

Marijuana should be legal and available at Walgreen's in convenient quarter-, half-, and full-ounce bags. Among other benefits, it's a safe, natural way to combat nausea, lack of focus, poor appetite, sleeplessness, and anxiety, and few substances open better paths to creativity. Also, pre-rolled joints should be packaged like cigarettes to make it easier to smoke while driving, because every stoner knows it's not the high that makes you dangerous, it's the distraction of preparing to get high or trying to hide the fact that you're getting high that sends you swerving into the ditch or slowing to 8 miles-per-hour. (Before you launch your attack on THAT one, please prepare to defend the millions of drivers legally operating under the influence of mind-altering prescription drugs, like Oxycontin, Percocet, Ritalin...)

Prostitution should also be legal. And free of disgrace. People in the profession should have excellent health and dental plans and their clients shouldn't have to put up with bitching and moaning and whining on the homefront. It's just a blowjob or a hand job or an ass pounding or something equally mundane that YOU won't give him. It's not like he's buying her a house in the suburbs. Damn! What does it take?!

Marriage should be a more difficult institution to join and nearly impossible to quit. Our divorce rate is disgusting. We should be ashamed of ourselves. To make a relationship work, you have to talk and fight and sacrifice and struggle through the bullshit. Together. Gay couples already get that--in spades. They're better at commitment than heterosexuals. Don't believe me? Keep an eye on the state divorce rates where gay marriage is allowed. I'll bet you a dollar rates improve in 5-10 years.

Masturbation techniques should be taught in junior high. I'm not talking live demonstration, just assign the kids a book or a pie chart or something with pictures or detailed descriptions. At least tell them it's NOT WRONG and an excellent way to stave off cravings when you're trying to hang on to your virginity. And show them where they can learn more about it. Talk to them one-on-one or in small groups if you have to. Make it okay for them to talk to each other about it, too, because my cultural boundaries won't let me talk to my children. Would prefer, in fact, I not speak to anyone about it. I didn't learn how to "properly" use a vibrator until I was 30! Can you imagine how much better I could have kept my libido in check if I'd been taught sooner? Of course, I might not have such good stories to tell...

Driving tests should require that applicants actually learn to drive before being issued a license. Seniors (whatever that number is these days, 65? 82?) should be evaluated every year on their ability to operate an automobile, which includes proper use of the turn signal and brakes, adherence to speed limits (especially minimum requirements), and general navigation. They should at least be able to see over the dash.

Early term abortion should be a SAFE, legal option for ALL women, and the doctors who perform the procedure should be able to go to work, lounge at home, open the mail, and sit on the toilet without fear of dismemberment and/or gruesome death. PERIOD.

For people who CHOOSE to be parents: Children should be spanked when they need or deserve it. They should also know, before committing the crime, that said whacking will likely come along as a consequence of their actions/behavior, making their "choice" a conscious one; the point is to teach them, not generate fear. And the punishment should NEVER exceed the crime.

Women who kill their children should be publicly stoned. And I don't mean the Cheech and Chong kind. I mean the one with chunks of granite that fit nicely in the palm of your hand. Don't sing me that depression song or try to pawn "my boyfriend made me do it" on me. I don't give a flyin' shit. Mothers protect their children to the death, they don't kill them. Any one that does, in my opinion, doesn't deserve another day above ground.

Guns don't kill people, people do. Go after the people, not the damn guns.

Kid Rock rocks!

And so do you.

~ Dawn

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